"Small Blessings"

“For what gives you the right to make such a judgment? What do you have that God hasn't given you? And if everything you have is from God, why boast as though it were not a gift?” -1 Corinthians 4:7

Since moving to Huntsville and living on my own again, I have been blessed with the opportunity to slow down, sit back, and observe. Transitioning from a year of nonstop on-the-go, a year where I really only spoke with adults or children (not many people my age), a year where I felt I constantly had to think about everything I did from fear of other people’s judgments, a year where people found satisfaction judging my every move yet a year where I was constantly built up by people I knew well and by people I barely knew, a year where people knew me as “Miss Georgia,” and a year that was completely unpredictable proved to be more difficult than I thought.

I moved to Huntsville four months ago with an unrealistic expectation for myself; the expectation I would jump right back into school after 1.5 years off and be just fine, the expectation I would feel no pressure because no one out here knew I was Miss Georgia, the expectation I would connect with those around me right off the bat, and the expectation I would continue on my uphill road to recovery with no relapse. Well, the opposite happened. I really struggled transitioning back into studying and memorizing things other than people’s names and the familiar questions one gets as a state titleholder. I struggled with releasing the pressure I still felt. I struggled connecting deeply with people around me, even though I made friends right away.  I undoubtedly relapsed in recovery and found myself in the hospital for five nights instead of attending Miss America 2014 and getting to reunite with all my friends.

With as many things going “wrong," I was still able to enjoy the things around me and the people around me. A concept I did not previously know. As many of you can relate, all-or-nothing thinking is easy to fall victim to. Throughout my journey of recovery and growth, the idea of being mindful and appreciating the small things has been drilled into my head. Even in the middle of stress from not being able to memorize all my Microbiology definitions and tables, God reminded me to stop and enjoy my new bedroom I was able to decorate. In the middle of failing at trying to balance classes, fun, quiet time, health, and sleep, I was reminded to step outside everyday and thank the mighty hands of God that created the blissful sky and the sturdy ground beneath us. In the middle of fighting for my life and freedom again and realizing I didn’t live up to my own expectation of not relapsing, I was gently reminded of the small victories. The victories of waking up and eating breakfast; the victories of being content with setting my schoolbooks down and watching TV; the victories of not feeling betrayed and frustrated with myself and with God when I made poor choices for my recovery, but instead taking the time to learn from them. While these victories may seem very small to you all, as they did to me at the time, I want to remind you it’s the small victories that carry us through day by day. It’s not the work promotion, the full ride scholarship, the winning of a state title, a high A on an exam, or being freed from whatever stronghold Satan has on your life. No, life is not about those things. Life is about searching for the “small” victories every second of every day.

In a society that brings attention to only the biggest of accomplishments and a society that perpetuates the idea of measuring one’s success based on salary, job title, worldly accomplishments, school status, etc., it is too easy to disregard the small victories because "they aren’t a big deal.” Each small victory of yours is a blessing from God, and when you undermine your small victories, you are undermining God’s intricate works.

Whether you have no money in the bank, cannot seem to live a healthy lifestyle, are battling an addition of any kind (sex, alcohol, food, control, success, etc.), overwhelmed with your career and the work load, feel like you’re failing as a parent, or just feeling down, I want to encourage you to take out a piece of paper and write three things you have done correctly today. Trust me, you can think of at least three. Continue writing as many down as you can (waking up and getting out of bed, eating breakfast, getting ready, encouraging someone, praying, running errands, taking a few minutes for yourself, and the list goes on and on). You are able to do each one of those things by the grace of God. They might be viewed as small victories in your mind, but they are the work of our Heavenly Father!! Praise God.

This might seem redundant to many of you as the saying “search for the silver lining” is tossed around all the time, but it is a practice (yes, a continuous practice, not a skill one ever truly accomplishes) worth being reminded of. I see things on social media all the time where people preface their posts with an awesome blessing/miracle from God, yet they end it with a “but….” Do not fall into the trap of allowing the bigger worries to undermine the smaller triumphs, as  “every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

Be grateful for where you are today, as where you are today is further than you were yesterday. Do life with God, not with yourself. Christ knows you. Christ loves you and gave His life for you. His love paid the price for mercy. He never leaves us on our own. The proof of grace over your life makes your life a trophy for God.

Father, I come before you today with a wrecked heart. A heart with a burning desire to never complain and to always be thankful for each and every thing in life, but a mind that continually falls victim to society’s standards and stressors. A heart that yearns to please Your presence, but a mind that allows outside worries to silence that deep yearning. God, I pray you will continue shaking my soul and reminding me my small victories are the works of Your unrelenting grace; that you will remind all those reading this of Your expectations and requests and remind them it is the small wins that will carry them through day by day…not the big ones. I praise Your name, God, and I thank you for loving me and never giving up on me. In your precious and powerful name, Amen.

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

What the Newspaper and TV Interviews Cut Out….

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." -Romans 5:3-5

“Hey, you’re that Miss Georgia with an Eating Disorder, right?” “You look so familiar. Are you that girl who was on TV/in the newspaper about having an eating disorder?” Yes, that’s me. My story is out there for all to see. Google my name or Google "Miss Georgia 2012 eating disorder," and you can read article upon article about Miss Georgia being in treatment. You can read fact based information about my story; you can read dramatized information about my story; you can read my story as much or as little as you would like. Have you noticed the common denominator in all those statements? “My story.”

Yes, I know very well in order to reach people and relate to people, one must be open about their own struggles. From day one when I decided to speak openly about currently being in treatment for bulimia, I have been very upfront and honest. There are only about two-three common questions in which I refuse to answer (“how much do you weigh?” being one of them), but other than that, I have remained true to my open and honest personality.

However, I want to take some time to share the “stuff” that always seems to get edited out. Lack of space, lack of drama, or lack of interest, I don’t know, but one reason or the other, it never fails to get cut out.  So allow me to clarify: I did not open up about my journey in order that people may read my story over and over again. I opened up for the chance to raise more awareness about eating disorders and to help decrease the negative stigma that comes along with the name, to be living proof eating disorders affect anyone, to break the shame I so heavily felt and the shame/guilt many still carry around, and to remind those struggling in silence they are not alone. Many have referred to my story as a “source of hope.” So allow me to share what I believe to be more helpful than just reading my story.

To the parents: Don't blame yourselves. This isn't any one person's fault. Don't spend so much time wondering "what did I do wrong?" or "how did I let this happen?" and instead focus on "how can I be there for my child?" Your job in recovery, as parents, is not to save your child's life. It is to stand by them while they save their own life. 

To parents in general: Be careful. Be very cautious of your own comments and actions toward your body image, diet, and exercise. Also be aware of comments you say pertaining to other people’s bodies (even if they’re positive comments). It is the innocent comments spoken every day that place far too much emphasis on body image while taking focus away from meaningful human attributes. I am sure you don't mean for this to be the outcome, but your child is internalizing it all and using your comments to set an unrealistic standard on how they should look.

To those who know someone with an ED or are on their "support team:" Educate yourselves. There are things to say and things that are better not to say. Education is key in being a helpful source of support!

To those considering treatment: Go! Even if you only go to a consultation, at least you have gained a little bit of power over the eating disorder and taken responsibility for your future. If that seems too big of a step, research EDA meetings in your area or other eating disorder support groups. (More info on this below)

To those currently in treatment: Hang in there and hold on with every ounce of your being, and when you cannot hang on any longer, trust those around you to hold you up. I know full well recovery seems impossible when you are just starting treatment, or are in the middle of it (and sometimes even at the end), but it is worth the hard work many around you won’t understand. Be patient. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It is a slow process, sometimes painful and infuriating, and sometimes overly rewarding and life giving. Which would you rather lose: a year or so while spending time in treatment to gain your whole life, or continue losing years from your life while remaining in the depths of your eating disorder?

Nutrifit Sport Therapy (Page Love, MS, RD, CSSD):

FREE ANAD (eating disorder support) group every Saturday 10-11am

For more information, contact: Page Love, RD at 770-395-7331.

St. Luke’s Presbyterian Church Room 145

1978 Mt. Vernon Rd Atlanta, GA 30338 770-393-1424

FREE breakfast club meetings once a month

Changes monthly alternating Thursdays and Saturdays.  The one for September is Saturday Sept 14th at Flying Biscuit on Roswell Road at 8:30

"But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” -1 Samuel 16:7

Most recent Atlanta Journal Constitution article (leaked onto this site, so it doesn't include pictures). http://www.individual.com/storyrss.php?story=180371869&hash=99b5cd4c2e72e22d5107428d2830d1f6

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

www.missga2012.blogspot.com

Experiencing Grace Through Brokenness

“But I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end, Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.”

I am a trophy for God. Not from my works, but from the proof of grace over my life. I am broken, but I know the One who is complete. I am a sinner, but I know the One who forgives. I certainly do not have it all together, but I know the One who does. I approach Christ as a shattered and heavy sinner, yet He still pulls me in with open arms; He fights for my heart every second of every day. He is merciful. He is grace. He is waiting for us.....

Have you ever experienced a time where all you felt was enervation and brokenness? The only way to continue on was to just fall to your knees, or even to bury your face in the dark? Throughout recovery I have experienced many “I’ll find You on my knees” moments. These hopeless, yet catalytic moments in time seem slightly less overwhelming when we are somewhat expecting them. When I first entered treatment, I thought I would be in and out within a month or two. Consequently, you could say all the “blows” I faced in the first two months were somewhat predictable; however, when I learned I was in this for the long haul, the devastating experiences of trying so hard and still “failing” every day seemed to hit harder and harder each time. For the past ten or so months I have spent in treatment, I have gone through periods of time where I expected many difficulties with recovery (like when preparing for Miss America), and I have experienced periods of time when I truly thought the majority of the struggles that come along with an eating disorder had subsided, only to learn they had not. It’s a nice slap in the face of reality to say the least. While many of you probably have not gone through treatment for an eating disorder, I am sure you can relate to the emptiness and sheer frustration that comes along when all you feel is brokenness. When all you think about is the mistakes you’ve made, the place you want to be but aren’t, the constant desire to live in freedom, and the undeniable sense of helplessness when one’s efforts seem to not be enough for the present moment. It’s the feeling of “all I can do is try to get on my knees.” It’s the reality when all you can do is try to do the next right thing…minute by minute.

After many setbacks this past year, I've learned sometimes the only way to go up is to completely fall down. It is when we fall we are awakened to our many weaknesses and our inability to get through life on our own, thus proving our daily need for Christ's forgiveness, patience, and salvation. The moments I let my guard down and become too comfortable with my surroundings and way of living are the moments I find myself descending faster than an anchor lowering to the bottom of an ocean floor, only to catch myself right before I hit the bottom with no brakes. It is a scary place to be in, but it is also an empowering place to be in. When I feel strong, I am weaker than ever because it is at these times I inadvertently try to “do life” based on my strength versus His strength. No matter the degree of severity, we can each learn a valuable lesson from these “reality slaps.”

The lesson that the One who spent 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for nine straight months knitting us together, cell by cell by cell, is the same One who is there for us every time we turn back running for Him. Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is the one who has never and will never give up on us. Mercy. He is merciful.

In your moments of hopelessness, try to find comfort in the knowledge you are never alone. You are not the only anchor sinking, and as with all anchors, they eventually begin the slow climb upward…sometimes descending again before fully reaching the top.  Place your trust in our Redeemer.

“You are my lamp, O Lord; the Lord turns my darkness into light.” -2 Samuel 22:29

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

www.missga2012.blogspot.com

Seeking and Finding Freedom

"You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven. I feel lonely, Say you're with me. We both know it would change everything.....If only I believed the truth about me." 

-Mandisa 

Is it really as simple as that? Yes, it is. Our thoughts and actions toward ourselves and the beliefs we hold regarding ourselves would be very different if we just believed the truth; the truth that only comes from our Savior. The truth that says we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"; the truth that reminds us His eyes saw our unformed bodies when we were woven together in the depths of the earth; the truth that "He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight"; the truth that declares "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"; the truth that we are the "salt of the earth"; and lastly, the truth that we are worthy for His ever abounding grace, redemption, mercy, and love. Yes, the love that "is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7


Many of our struggles in life are spurred from the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves. Thinking we are the sole exception to so many "self-care rules" pushes us into a state of mind that what we are is never enough. We are quick to tell others to take a break from work every now and then, go to bed early some nights, indulge in a piece of cake here and there, lighten up on the to-do list, yet we often think we are weak, selfish, and/or settling for less if we dare apply these suggestions to our own lives. 

There is a perfectionist state of mind to which so many of us fall victim. I think of perfectionists in two categories: the always-doing, over-achieving perfectionist (the kind who never stops accomplishing things and goes about each day like a race car) and the extremely detail-oriented, super-high expectation perfectionist (the kind who get so caught up in the details they either never complete anything, or they are so fearful of not being perfect, they just don't try. But when they do finish something, it is usually exemplary.). 

There are many reasons why one might feel they are the sole exception to self-care rules or for being a perfectionist. They are different for each individual, but some "common themes" exist: being told you are not worthy as a child; being told nothing you do is good enough, or never being told what you do is outstanding; thinking you always have to do, do, and do just for others to notice you; physical or verbal abuse as a child or an adult; catastrophizing a mistake you made in the past and letting it define your current identity; the belief your worth is dictated by how much you do for others and how little you do for yourself; a misunderstanding in your faith; and of course the societal belief that humans will be happier the more they accomplish. The reason behind these (or your) unrealistic expectations is important to understand. It is even more important, however, to educate yourself; understand the significance; and accept the unimaginable truth Christ holds for each of us.

The moment we can stop, and I mean truly stop, and silence the worldly standards for human kind, is the moment we begin to experience freedom. The kind of freedom that is glorious, renewing, and reviving; freedom that is life giving amidst a society’s mindset that can be so life draining. Proverbs 31:30 kindly reminds us "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting." So why do we all get overly caught up in work, school, accomplishments, salary, body image, exercise, etc.? It all goes back to your core principals and the beliefs you hold about yourself. In order to change the way you take care of yourself, you must first change those thoughts that never seem to go away - the negative self-talk and the life draining self-judgment. 

I am, by no means, saying hard work is undesirable, or dressing cute is unacceptable. The difference is whether it becomes something you do for yourself or something you become obsessive about to meet today's standards. It is a fine line of balance. Anything that distracts you from Him is an idol. We must pay attention and recognize when certain thoughts or actions become idols. "I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts." (Jesus Calling).

I challenge you all to search within and think about for whom you are doing what. A simple test could be "If God was here, would I still be doing this?" Or simply "Why am I doing this?" You have the power to continue the action or not, but at least you’ll have put some thought into it, as opposed to automatically doing things because you feel you "have to" or "should." 


Father, I thank you that I'm forgiven. I thank You that You approve me and that I am your friend. I thank you that each and every morning I am equipped with the armor of God: the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the boots of peace, the helmet of salvation, the shield of faith, and the sword of the spirit. I am strong; I am capable; I am equipped. You are all that matters...

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

Links From Interviews

It is never easy coming out so publicly admitting our struggles, no matter what they are. My hope, whether on a small or large scale, was that my vulnerability would be an example to young girls and boys that no one is perfect; that my openness would allow young girls and boys, and even men and women, to find the courage to tell their stories and to share their battles. The past month I have experienced the empowerment that comes from living in a vulnerable place. It is not easy and it is not too comfortable, but it is freeing in a way. I have received a countless number of texts, emails, FaceBook messages, and Tweets from people in all walks of life offering either support, understanding, or validation. My "hope" in all of this became reality. A huge thank you to all who have reached out! I praise God for letting me know the perfect time to speak publicly about this. His timing is always perfect....

WSBTV (Ch. 2) with John Bachman clip: http://www.wsbtv.com/news/news/local/miss-georgia-reveals-eating-disorder-secret/nXTyk/

Fox5 Atlanta (special report): http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/22212308/miss-georgia-opens-up-about-eating-disorder?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=8863040

Fox5 Atlanta (Eating Disorder information): http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/22269428/eating-disorders-in-teens-how-to-cope

WRBL Columbus interview: http://www.wrbl.com/story/22148752/miss-georgia-reveals-secret-struggle-with-eating-disorder

Ledger-Enquirer article (many details): http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/2013/05/12/2494288/miss-georgia-reveals-deadly-secret.html

My Dee Armstrong interview is not available online yet.

I am also working with HLN/CNN to schedule a national interview, but between the Jodi Arias Trial, other national news, and my schedule, it has been difficult to find a set date. I will keep you all posted!

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

"I am enough just as I am,
unfinished, imperfect, uncertain of the road I choose, 
yet, certain that I must continue. I cannot go back.
I am not enough for some, and too much for others,
I struggle with myself, I wrestle with fear, I avoid the parts of me
that are unavoidable.
Yet, I want to hide no more. I am alive, I know because I feel.
In my eyes,
I am damaged, hurting, healing, and in need of improvement.
But in the eyes of God,
And in the place where grace abides,
I know I am enough." -unknown

Being Miss Georgia While Going Through Recovery (my full story)

*To preface this post- this is a very personal struggle I have decided to open up about. I ask with all due respect that it not be turned and twisted into anything unconstructive. This message is intended to help others who might need it. Media interviews started this week, so I wanted to make sure I got an outline of my experiences out there so people will have the full truth from me before they hear it anywhere else. (I received approval from the Miss America offices and Miss Georgia offices to speak about my story)

“Well, everybody's got a story to tell/ And everybody's got a wound to be healed/ I want to believe there's beauty here/ 'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on/ I can't let go, I can't move on/ I want to believe there's meaning here”

Wow, have I found the beauty and the meaning while standing in the middle of a path I didn’t plan. I wondered for so long how I got to where I was, and I kept trying to hear His still, small voice. I asked Him over and over to please take this burden away from me, I asked Him to free me of this battle. It has been a battle that most did not have a clue existed, and a battle I sincerely planned on keeping quiet. It has been a battle I have fought every second of every day; a battle I wish on no one; a battle that makes me stand much stronger now than I did before.  I am a fighter for my life, for my health, for my wellbeing, and for His truth in me.

I write this blog post to inform you of something I feel is important to share. I open up only with hopes that my story will inspire someone else or save their life… even if it is just one person. If you followed my journey to the Miss America stage, you might already know I suffered and recovered from an eating disorder (anorexia) when I was much younger. That is a struggle and victory about which I have spoken openly.

What you don’t know, however, is that I only experienced freedom for a very short amount of time. I have secretly struggled with an eating disorder for many years now. When I won Miss Georgia in June, I sincerely wanted to enjoy every single aspect of this journey, but I knew that would not be possible if I did not seek professional help. I accepted that it would not just stop all on its own. I stopped living in denial and entered myself into treatment for bulimia at the Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders (ACE): http://www.eatingdisorders.cc/index.html. 

Going through recovery while being Miss Georgia and preparing for Miss America at the same time proved to be the most difficult time of my life. Many of you watched me prepare for Miss America and make appearances across the state with a smile on my face.  Yet you didn’t see the battle I constantly fought in my head; the hours I spent in treatment between traveling; the tears, frustration, and confusion that filled my nights. It was easily the most exciting, yet the darkest time of my life.

After competing in Miss America, my freer schedule allowed me to significantly increase the hours I went to ACE. Between the countless number of hours I spent in treatment, and the hard work, persistence, and resilience I put into recovery, I am confidently able to say I am entering into the tail end of my recovery. It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been glamorous, but it has been so completely worth it. For the first time since I was 12 years old, I am beginning to feel free -- completely and totally free.

After taking a good look at myself and really trying to understand the magnitude of His ultimate sacrifice in giving His one and only son to forgive our brokenness, I began to understand and accept that I still needed to release some important things to Him. While I have given Him much of my life, I still held onto my body image and it wreaked havoc on me. But now, I can fully accept that I am indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That I am “beautiful (PS 45:11), important (1 Peter 2:9), forgiven (PS 103:12), unique (PS 139:13), empowered (Phil 4:13), protected (PS 121:3), strong (PS 68:35), and lovely (DAN 12:3).”

I feel it is also important to recognize this eating disorder did not start because of my involvement in the Miss America Organization. Did competing in pageants help my recovery? I would say no, but it certainly was not the start of this. Eating disorders often begin when a deeper need isn’t being met: mine was the strive for an unrealistic sense of perfection beginning at 12-years old, among other things.

I write this to also encourage young girls and boys, and everyone for that matter, to be okay with who you are and where you are in your life while trying to better yourself. We often only focus on how we can be better without appreciating who we are in the present moment. I cannot begin to count the number of times people say, “You look like you have the perfect life,” or “You are perfect.” The truth is no one is perfect, and almost everyone is going through something; whether it is seen by the naked eye or not. Because I have fought an eating disorder, I indisputably know what it feels like to really hurt. To wake up every single day and work for something, yet feel like you’ve accomplished nothing. I know what it feels like to feel helpless and hopeless; to feel alone; to actually just not feel at all. Most importantly, I also know what it feels like to be lifted up after barely hanging on for so long. Glorious! Am I fully recovered? Not yet. I still go to treatment; I still battle this disorder on a daily basis, but I still hang on. I know relapse is a common part of recovery, but I promised myself months ago I would never give up, and I won’t.

To those of you currently fighting for something, those who are hurting and feel like giving up, those who are angry at themselves, God, and/or others, those who want the battle to be gone, and those who are crying out for help, you are not alone. Keep hanging on, keep fighting, and keep searching for the silver lining (even if you have to look through clouds of thick black dust). Your time of deliverance is coming. Mine took years, but wow, it was worth it. It was worth the many tears, confusing depression, and constant frustration.

To those who have an eating disorder or think you might have one -- reach out for support and seek professional help. It is not something for which you should feel shame. I waited too many years before entering treatment because I thought it meant I was weak. I felt ashamed and guilty. I am here to tell you, it is okay. We all have needs. We all struggle. Eating disorders are deadly, and they are not something you can recover from on your own. If you think you might be struggling, take this free assessment from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) website.http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

“‘Cause I am found, I am Yours/ I am loved, I'm made pure/ I have life, I can breathe/ I am healed, I am free./// ‘Cause You are strong, You are sure/ You are life, You endure/ You are good, always true/ You are light breaking through”

Additional Resources:

-Eating Disorders Information Network (EDIN): http://myedin.org

-Page Love, MS, RD, LD, CSSD, President of Nutrifit Sport Therapy Inc.:http://www.nutrifitga.com