Seeking and Finding Freedom

"You say lovely, I say broken. I say guilty, You say forgiven. I feel lonely, Say you're with me. We both know it would change everything.....If only I believed the truth about me." 

-Mandisa 

Is it really as simple as that? Yes, it is. Our thoughts and actions toward ourselves and the beliefs we hold regarding ourselves would be very different if we just believed the truth; the truth that only comes from our Savior. The truth that says we are "fearfully and wonderfully made"; the truth that reminds us His eyes saw our unformed bodies when we were woven together in the depths of the earth; the truth that "He chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight"; the truth that declares "we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do"; the truth that we are the "salt of the earth"; and lastly, the truth that we are worthy for His ever abounding grace, redemption, mercy, and love. Yes, the love that "is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7


Many of our struggles in life are spurred from the unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves. Thinking we are the sole exception to so many "self-care rules" pushes us into a state of mind that what we are is never enough. We are quick to tell others to take a break from work every now and then, go to bed early some nights, indulge in a piece of cake here and there, lighten up on the to-do list, yet we often think we are weak, selfish, and/or settling for less if we dare apply these suggestions to our own lives. 

There is a perfectionist state of mind to which so many of us fall victim. I think of perfectionists in two categories: the always-doing, over-achieving perfectionist (the kind who never stops accomplishing things and goes about each day like a race car) and the extremely detail-oriented, super-high expectation perfectionist (the kind who get so caught up in the details they either never complete anything, or they are so fearful of not being perfect, they just don't try. But when they do finish something, it is usually exemplary.). 

There are many reasons why one might feel they are the sole exception to self-care rules or for being a perfectionist. They are different for each individual, but some "common themes" exist: being told you are not worthy as a child; being told nothing you do is good enough, or never being told what you do is outstanding; thinking you always have to do, do, and do just for others to notice you; physical or verbal abuse as a child or an adult; catastrophizing a mistake you made in the past and letting it define your current identity; the belief your worth is dictated by how much you do for others and how little you do for yourself; a misunderstanding in your faith; and of course the societal belief that humans will be happier the more they accomplish. The reason behind these (or your) unrealistic expectations is important to understand. It is even more important, however, to educate yourself; understand the significance; and accept the unimaginable truth Christ holds for each of us.

The moment we can stop, and I mean truly stop, and silence the worldly standards for human kind, is the moment we begin to experience freedom. The kind of freedom that is glorious, renewing, and reviving; freedom that is life giving amidst a society’s mindset that can be so life draining. Proverbs 31:30 kindly reminds us "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting." So why do we all get overly caught up in work, school, accomplishments, salary, body image, exercise, etc.? It all goes back to your core principals and the beliefs you hold about yourself. In order to change the way you take care of yourself, you must first change those thoughts that never seem to go away - the negative self-talk and the life draining self-judgment. 

I am, by no means, saying hard work is undesirable, or dressing cute is unacceptable. The difference is whether it becomes something you do for yourself or something you become obsessive about to meet today's standards. It is a fine line of balance. Anything that distracts you from Him is an idol. We must pay attention and recognize when certain thoughts or actions become idols. "I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts." (Jesus Calling).

I challenge you all to search within and think about for whom you are doing what. A simple test could be "If God was here, would I still be doing this?" Or simply "Why am I doing this?" You have the power to continue the action or not, but at least you’ll have put some thought into it, as opposed to automatically doing things because you feel you "have to" or "should." 


Father, I thank you that I'm forgiven. I thank You that You approve me and that I am your friend. I thank you that each and every morning I am equipped with the armor of God: the breastplate of righteousness, the belt of truth, the boots of peace, the helmet of salvation, the shield of faith, and the sword of the spirit. I am strong; I am capable; I am equipped. You are all that matters...

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:2

Links From Interviews

It is never easy coming out so publicly admitting our struggles, no matter what they are. My hope, whether on a small or large scale, was that my vulnerability would be an example to young girls and boys that no one is perfect; that my openness would allow young girls and boys, and even men and women, to find the courage to tell their stories and to share their battles. The past month I have experienced the empowerment that comes from living in a vulnerable place. It is not easy and it is not too comfortable, but it is freeing in a way. I have received a countless number of texts, emails, FaceBook messages, and Tweets from people in all walks of life offering either support, understanding, or validation. My "hope" in all of this became reality. A huge thank you to all who have reached out! I praise God for letting me know the perfect time to speak publicly about this. His timing is always perfect....

WSBTV (Ch. 2) with John Bachman clip: http://www.wsbtv.com/news/news/local/miss-georgia-reveals-eating-disorder-secret/nXTyk/

Fox5 Atlanta (special report): http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/22212308/miss-georgia-opens-up-about-eating-disorder?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=8863040

Fox5 Atlanta (Eating Disorder information): http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/story/22269428/eating-disorders-in-teens-how-to-cope

WRBL Columbus interview: http://www.wrbl.com/story/22148752/miss-georgia-reveals-secret-struggle-with-eating-disorder

Ledger-Enquirer article (many details): http://www.ledger-enquirer.com/2013/05/12/2494288/miss-georgia-reveals-deadly-secret.html

My Dee Armstrong interview is not available online yet.

I am also working with HLN/CNN to schedule a national interview, but between the Jodi Arias Trial, other national news, and my schedule, it has been difficult to find a set date. I will keep you all posted!

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

"I am enough just as I am,
unfinished, imperfect, uncertain of the road I choose, 
yet, certain that I must continue. I cannot go back.
I am not enough for some, and too much for others,
I struggle with myself, I wrestle with fear, I avoid the parts of me
that are unavoidable.
Yet, I want to hide no more. I am alive, I know because I feel.
In my eyes,
I am damaged, hurting, healing, and in need of improvement.
But in the eyes of God,
And in the place where grace abides,
I know I am enough." -unknown

Being Miss Georgia While Going Through Recovery (my full story)

*To preface this post- this is a very personal struggle I have decided to open up about. I ask with all due respect that it not be turned and twisted into anything unconstructive. This message is intended to help others who might need it. Media interviews started this week, so I wanted to make sure I got an outline of my experiences out there so people will have the full truth from me before they hear it anywhere else. (I received approval from the Miss America offices and Miss Georgia offices to speak about my story)

“Well, everybody's got a story to tell/ And everybody's got a wound to be healed/ I want to believe there's beauty here/ 'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on/ I can't let go, I can't move on/ I want to believe there's meaning here”

Wow, have I found the beauty and the meaning while standing in the middle of a path I didn’t plan. I wondered for so long how I got to where I was, and I kept trying to hear His still, small voice. I asked Him over and over to please take this burden away from me, I asked Him to free me of this battle. It has been a battle that most did not have a clue existed, and a battle I sincerely planned on keeping quiet. It has been a battle I have fought every second of every day; a battle I wish on no one; a battle that makes me stand much stronger now than I did before.  I am a fighter for my life, for my health, for my wellbeing, and for His truth in me.

I write this blog post to inform you of something I feel is important to share. I open up only with hopes that my story will inspire someone else or save their life… even if it is just one person. If you followed my journey to the Miss America stage, you might already know I suffered and recovered from an eating disorder (anorexia) when I was much younger. That is a struggle and victory about which I have spoken openly.

What you don’t know, however, is that I only experienced freedom for a very short amount of time. I have secretly struggled with an eating disorder for many years now. When I won Miss Georgia in June, I sincerely wanted to enjoy every single aspect of this journey, but I knew that would not be possible if I did not seek professional help. I accepted that it would not just stop all on its own. I stopped living in denial and entered myself into treatment for bulimia at the Atlanta Center for Eating Disorders (ACE): http://www.eatingdisorders.cc/index.html. 

Going through recovery while being Miss Georgia and preparing for Miss America at the same time proved to be the most difficult time of my life. Many of you watched me prepare for Miss America and make appearances across the state with a smile on my face.  Yet you didn’t see the battle I constantly fought in my head; the hours I spent in treatment between traveling; the tears, frustration, and confusion that filled my nights. It was easily the most exciting, yet the darkest time of my life.

After competing in Miss America, my freer schedule allowed me to significantly increase the hours I went to ACE. Between the countless number of hours I spent in treatment, and the hard work, persistence, and resilience I put into recovery, I am confidently able to say I am entering into the tail end of my recovery. It hasn’t been easy and it hasn’t been glamorous, but it has been so completely worth it. For the first time since I was 12 years old, I am beginning to feel free -- completely and totally free.

After taking a good look at myself and really trying to understand the magnitude of His ultimate sacrifice in giving His one and only son to forgive our brokenness, I began to understand and accept that I still needed to release some important things to Him. While I have given Him much of my life, I still held onto my body image and it wreaked havoc on me. But now, I can fully accept that I am indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made.” That I am “beautiful (PS 45:11), important (1 Peter 2:9), forgiven (PS 103:12), unique (PS 139:13), empowered (Phil 4:13), protected (PS 121:3), strong (PS 68:35), and lovely (DAN 12:3).”

I feel it is also important to recognize this eating disorder did not start because of my involvement in the Miss America Organization. Did competing in pageants help my recovery? I would say no, but it certainly was not the start of this. Eating disorders often begin when a deeper need isn’t being met: mine was the strive for an unrealistic sense of perfection beginning at 12-years old, among other things.

I write this to also encourage young girls and boys, and everyone for that matter, to be okay with who you are and where you are in your life while trying to better yourself. We often only focus on how we can be better without appreciating who we are in the present moment. I cannot begin to count the number of times people say, “You look like you have the perfect life,” or “You are perfect.” The truth is no one is perfect, and almost everyone is going through something; whether it is seen by the naked eye or not. Because I have fought an eating disorder, I indisputably know what it feels like to really hurt. To wake up every single day and work for something, yet feel like you’ve accomplished nothing. I know what it feels like to feel helpless and hopeless; to feel alone; to actually just not feel at all. Most importantly, I also know what it feels like to be lifted up after barely hanging on for so long. Glorious! Am I fully recovered? Not yet. I still go to treatment; I still battle this disorder on a daily basis, but I still hang on. I know relapse is a common part of recovery, but I promised myself months ago I would never give up, and I won’t.

To those of you currently fighting for something, those who are hurting and feel like giving up, those who are angry at themselves, God, and/or others, those who want the battle to be gone, and those who are crying out for help, you are not alone. Keep hanging on, keep fighting, and keep searching for the silver lining (even if you have to look through clouds of thick black dust). Your time of deliverance is coming. Mine took years, but wow, it was worth it. It was worth the many tears, confusing depression, and constant frustration.

To those who have an eating disorder or think you might have one -- reach out for support and seek professional help. It is not something for which you should feel shame. I waited too many years before entering treatment because I thought it meant I was weak. I felt ashamed and guilty. I am here to tell you, it is okay. We all have needs. We all struggle. Eating disorders are deadly, and they are not something you can recover from on your own. If you think you might be struggling, take this free assessment from the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) website.http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening

-Love in Christ,

Leighton

“‘Cause I am found, I am Yours/ I am loved, I'm made pure/ I have life, I can breathe/ I am healed, I am free./// ‘Cause You are strong, You are sure/ You are life, You endure/ You are good, always true/ You are light breaking through”

Additional Resources:

-Eating Disorders Information Network (EDIN): http://myedin.org

-Page Love, MS, RD, LD, CSSD, President of Nutrifit Sport Therapy Inc.:http://www.nutrifitga.com