Being Okay in the Waiting Phase

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33 

It’s been awhile since I have written anything on my blog thanks to the idea that my time would be more well spent learning about the cardiac and neuro system, Pheochromocytoma, Anabolic steroids, Clomiphene Citrate, Dinoprostone, extrapyramidal symptoms and tardive dyskinsia, how to talk to a schizophrenic patient, how to control the annoying IV pumps in the hospital rooms, and the list goes on and on. Can you tell I just took two exams and am getting ready for three finals next week? I love to learn (is that weird?) and I often find myself sitting around thinking about the human body and how it all works…how something so complex can work extremely well and then in a split second everything can go wrong. However, as much as I love learning and as much as I love thinking about the information we are learning in nursing school, I love even more thinking about love (I would like to think I am not the only female would loves “love” as much as I do). I wrote what’s below a few months ago, but I never posted it because I have read some fabulous blogs recently and mine rank nowhere near these super creative/witty “bloggers.” Nonetheless, I am posting it now just because I can (and because I am bored/procrastinating).

I’m going to stop here and say if you aren’t into the “love” posts, you may just want to save yourself and hit the little “X” in the top right corner :-) I find myself scrolling through Facebook way more than I should and it seems young girls and young women are posting blog after blog about “the perfect man.” Do I read them? Of course! But every time I read them I am left feeling sorry for those who believe there is a perfect man out there, a prince charming, a guy who does EVERY thing every girl could ever want them to do and never ever messes up. I will go ahead and admit that I am not a fan nor am I believer in “finding your prince charming” or "the man of your dreams." I think it’s a lie too many girls/women believe and then when their relationships don’t work they blame it on the man and take no time to look inward.

I spent the first 21 years of my life with no boyfriend, no forehead kisses, and no “good morning” texts, and I lived! Shocker, right? There were times in my life where I did want a boyfriend, where I did want to share my life with someone, and where I did wish I could have my first kiss before I was 40 years old (normal, right?). However, I knew deep down that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was not confident enough in myself to welcome someone into my life, I was too selfish to make time for a significant other, I was too focused on my goals and dreams to get caught up in “love,” and most importantly, I wasn’t dependent enough on God to define my worth…meaning I knew if I were to choose to be in a relationship, I would be looking to the man to make me feel whole, to make me feel worthy, and to make me feel successful. How fair is that to put that much pressure on another human? It’s not, and he NEVER would have lived up to fill those holes I had in my life. So with that, I knew I wasn’t interested in being in a relationship and that God was not done preparing my heart to be the woman he wants me to be in another man’s life.  Another side fact, I also knew I only wanted to date for marriage. Whether that’s your thing or not (totally okay if it isn’t!), I learned that mentality was best for me. I refused to give any of my heart to another man unless I knew I could potentially marry him, and let me tell you, it sure did save me a lot of heartache and energy.

With all of that to be said, there did come a time in my life (fall of 2014) where I felt ready to open my heart to welcoming someone into my life. After a lot of prayer, a lot of counseling where I learned how to love myself for just being me, a lot of introspection and “self work,” and after meeting the man who would be my best friend long before he was my boyfriend, I felt it was time to open my heart to this whole “love thing.”

Fast forward to over a year and a half later, and I am even more thankful I waited all those years to share my heart with someone; I am even more grateful I waited all those years to open my life to someone; I am even more satisfied that I saved all I had for someone special. Do I believe Kenny is my prince charming and that he can do no wrong? I don’t, and it’s good that I don’t because he sure would have a lot of unfair expectations placed on him.  Do I think I am his answered prayer to a perfect woman? Not at all. However, do I believe Kenny is someone who makes me want to be a better person each and every day of my life? Without a doubt. In fact, Kenny is the only man whom I have given a big piece of my heart to and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish I could give him even more. Did I look at him in the first few months I knew him and think, “Man! I am going to marry this man.” Nope, sure didn’t. Does he do every single thing those stupid blogs say “the perfect guy” should do? Not so much. But does he point me to God in the gentlest way I have ever seen? Yes, praise Him. Does he speak my love language and make me feel special? Never fails. Does he take wonderful care of my heart and treat me with kindness? Always. (Another side note: Kenny has never, ever, ever raised his voice at me or tried to make me feel less than/unworthy of anything.) You see, while all those nice gestures feel good and make for good Instagram posts (don’t worry, I like to brag when I get surprise flowers, too!), what’s even better is to end each night knowing you are with someone who simply brings out the best in you, someone who respects your values and body, and someone who builds you up to be more faithful for His heavenly Kingdom…even after an awful day when you weren’t the most patient or kind person to be around.

So while many girls are out there searching for “THE one” and sacrificing so much of themselves just to find someone that doesn’t exist, I encourage the young women out there reading this to guard your hearts against false beliefs and empty promises when it comes to dating and love. If you are dying to be in a relationship or really want to be in a relationship, chances are that you aren’t ready for one yet. And that is okay. Being single is wonderful (if you make it that way)! From someone who did things the unconventional way, I would go back and do it all over again and then some. I have no idea what the Lord has in store for my future and Kenny’s future, but in the meantime, I will be thankful every day for getting to live my life next to someone who respects me greatly, loves me well, and builds me up. Is it [super] hard not to jump ahead to the future and not to think about marriage? It is SO hard. But I am always reminded that we aren’t promised tomorrow, and we aren’t promised a marriage. What we are promised is eternal life and the gift of today…today where I can be so thankful for all I have been given.

Kenny is not perfect (although, even a year and a half later I still have to remind myself of this freeing fact because he acts pretty dang perfect 99.99% of the time!). I am not perfect (I am sure he doesn’t have to remind himself of this because it’s quite obvious, haha). However, I love nothing more than being two broken human beings that are living a broken life together all while trying to bring honor and glory to our perfect God. 

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:1-2